Second week of school, tuesday..
i've already decided not to care.. no more pain.. no more anger.. no more disappointment.. but a gain of dislikeness and hatred.. this is not what i wanted.. i've decided not to care.. to ignore.. to avoid.. but when ever i saw her, my heart will feel the pain.. my heart will feel the disappointment.. my heart will let out a big sigh.. why? why must we be friends until like that? what's the gain? nope. that's none. whenever i see her alone, i feel the ultimate sadness. it may not really be her alone, but even with friends, ones will still be alone right? i felt so sad.. because we used to be so good. we used to hang out together all the times.. maybe not everytime.. but those days was good, isn't it?
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hey girl, if you're upset that i did not reply that message of yours that day, i'm truly sorry. or maybe you won't even care, i don't know. i have no idea who i really am to you, not a single bit now.. so i really have no idea what i should reply.. i don't know how i should talk to you.. how i should see you.. i really don't know how to face you.. so i avoided having eye contact with you today.. because if i really look into your eyes, i don't know which will come out first.. my anger or my tears.. but be true, i'm disappointed.. not because of what happened recently, but because of other factors.. i don't know if you are aware of them anot.. but i'm truly upset about it.. you have always been one of the important friends to me.. but.. somehow.. i don't know now..
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i don't know is it me or what.. maybe it's just me over sensative.. but this feeling really don't feel good.. being alone is a super scary thing.. not with your friends make ones sad.. it will also make people who are watching you sad.. i don't know how you feel but this is how i feel. whenever i saw you, i said my heart will feel the pain.. not because of the disappointment, but because when i see you, i really feel a sense of loneliness. you can deny that but that's only how i feel. loneliness is a feel that i will never ever want it. that's why i don't wish people around me to have this kind of feelings too. some people maybe alright with this kind of feelings.. but i'm not.. and if i still know you, i know you too. you hate this feeling too right.. because i've always thought that how we feel are similar..
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but now i really don't know how i should look at you.. mmm, maybe everyone is tired.. this thing is making school a tiring place to be.. and i don't want that to be like this. so.. i can only do my best to not care about it.. if you really don't care, then let it be.. since i too, don't know what can be done. let it be.. then this feeling of mine will soon fade away.. maybe it will take a few days, maybe months.. but soon it will fade away and i won't feel anything.. if that's really the case, then can i request you.. please don't look at me.. don't have any eye contact with me.. if possible, stay as far away from me as possible.. then maybe this feeling will fade away faster and school maybe a better place to be.
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i am emotional today. maybe tomorrow will be better.. maybe i shouldn't think too much.. but still.. it will be best if everything turns out fine.. at least let me enjoy my poly life.. let me enjoy being with everyone.. because this is a one and only chance in life. i don't want to have any regrets.. (:

♥ 3:16 AM